Control vs. Influence: The Leadership Shift Every Woman Over 35 Needs
Paige Elizabeth
Founder and Coach
There’s a subtle but powerful difference in leadership that determines whether people follow you out of fear… or from genuine alignment.
That difference?
Control vs. Influence.
Most women leaders I work with have experienced both sides of this equation.
They know what it feels like to be under someone’s control—micromanaged, second-guessed, pressured to perform.
But often, without realizing it, they adopt the same patterns in their own leadership style.
Not because they’re “bad leaders,” but because burnout, stress, and survival mode make control feel safer than trust.
The truth is, real leadership is not about control. It’s about influence.
And the ability to influence starts with you—not your team, not your circumstances, not the outcomes you’re chasing.
Let’s break down the difference—and how you can step into influence-driven leadership that inspires commitment, builds trust, and actually reduces burnout for everyone involved.
1. Control Demands. Influence Inspires.
Control is all about managing what’s out there—other people’s actions, deadlines, emotions, and even perceptions of you. It’s rooted in fear and insecurity.
Signs of control-based leadership:
- Micromanaging every detail
- Emotionally reacting to mistakes
- Forcing outcomes instead of co-creating them
- Seeking certainty from external control instead of internal regulation
Control says: “If I can make everything perfect out there, I’ll finally feel safe in here.”
Influence works differently. It’s internally sourced. It’s about modeling the behavior, energy, and vision you want others to follow. You don’t push people to comply—you invite them to commit.
Signs of influence-based leadership:
- Calm, clear communication
- Regulating your own emotional state before responding
- Holding standards without pressure or fear tactics
- Leading by example, not by force
Influence says: “I don’t need to dominate to lead—I guide, and people choose to follow.”
2. Control Burns Out Teams (and Leaders). Influence Builds Trust.
Burnout isn’t just an individual problem—it’s cultural. A control-based leadership style accelerates stress on both sides.
- Teams under control feel disempowered, second-guessed, and disconnected.
- Leaders trying to control every variable feel exhausted, frustrated, and unsupported.
Influence changes the dynamic. When you create safety instead of pressure, people bring their best ideas, energy, and commitment to the table.
Trust builds naturally. Creativity returns. Performance improves—not from fear, but from alignment.
3. The Nervous System Connection: Why We Default to Control
In my work helping women leaders recover from burnout, I see this all the time:
We try to control our teams, our schedules, even our own bodies—because our nervous systems are dysregulated.
When you’re in survival mode, control feels like safety. You believe:
- If I just manage every detail, I won’t fail.
- If I push harder, I won’t disappoint anyone.
- If I hold on tighter, nothing will fall apart.
But real safety doesn’t come from external control. It comes from internal regulation.
Influence begins when you feel calm, clear, and grounded in your own body. When you stop trying to force results and start leading from presence and confidence.
4. How to Shift from Control to Influence
This is not about letting go of standards or boundaries. Great leadership still holds a vision and expects results. The shift is in how you lead:
- Regulate first. Before responding, take a pause. Breathe. Ground yourself.
- Model, don’t mandate. Show your team what you want to see, instead of just telling them.
- Communicate with clarity. Influence is built on understanding, not assumptions.
- Create safety. When people feel safe, they take risks, innovate, and own their roles.
Anchor inward. True leadership comes from alignment with your values, not fear of losing control.
Final Thoughts
You can’t truly influence when you’re trying to control. You can’t build trust when you’re running on survival mode.
Real leadership—the kind that inspires loyalty, growth, and success—starts with regulating yourself first. From there, you naturally guide instead of dominate, influence instead of control, and create a team culture that thrives. Ready to lead from calm, clear influence—not stress and control?
Book a free consultation or explore The Women’s Reset Program to start rewiring your nervous system for sustainable, powerful leadership.